I went with my wife and son to buy some shit and everything we got was available in that big fucking warehouse part, self pick up or whatever they call it… except one thing… a mattress.
We paid for all of the other shit and then went to the item pick up counter, checked in with the thing at the counter and sat patiently waiting for our number to be called. We could see behind the counter where they were staging the items to be picked up by all of the other sad fucks that were sitting there waiting with us.
After about 30 minutes of waiting for our number to be called, I happened to see a mattress sitting there on a cart behind the no business fuckshit at the counter that calls out the numbers. She’s still not called us up to the counter and no one else has claimed the mattress as of yet, surely it must be ours and she’s just a goddamned idiot and hasn’t called us up yet.
I approach the counter.
“Hello, I couldn’t help but notice that mattress which is similar to the one I have purchased and am waiting for, is sitting there on a cart behind you. Do you think perhaps that it is mine?”
She wanders off with my receipt in hand to confirm or disconfirm my suspicion. She stops, looks at a tag on it, and starts walking back to the counter.
“Nope”
I sit back down with my family and wait and wait and wait. Another half hour goes by, I approach the counter again and restate my original belief that the mattress sitting on that cart for the last fucking hour was in fact mine and I’d like to take it and stop being a goddamned prisoner inside of this fucking gigantic yellow menace.
“Nope, it’s not yours”
“Well then where is mine? I’ve been sitting here for over a fucking hour. This is retarded”
“Let me check again”
She checks the tag on the fucking thing again…. AND GUESS WHAT?! IT IS MY FUCKING MATTRESS and it’s been sitting there staring us all in the goddamned face for the last fucking hour.
The real pisser is the fucking mattress sucks.
Posted on: August 31st, 2009 Neighbor Kids
They’re fucking stupid, or dumb… I guess that means they’re “so gay” (those PSA’s are so fucking gay, by the way. Also go listen to Five Tacos and a Taco, you can find them on iTunes).
Allow me to set up a hypothetical situation for you. You’ve got a child of your own, and they’re sick, so they stayed home from school, went to the doctors office and has stayed inside all day. Your neighbors have some kids of their own, 3 of them in fact. These three kids often play with your child, and even sometimes come to the door to ask if he can come out. Today, however, while your child is sick, each and every one of these fucking kids rings your motherfucking door bell to ask if he can come out and play.
They all live together, they’re all standing right there at the fucking door each time a different kid rings the door bell to ask if he can come out. Somehow the god damned message gets through to not a fucking one of them.
I step outside to walk the dog, and I’ll be goatfucked if it isn’t the first fucking thing I hear from the loud (obviously) retarded one.
“WHERE IS (insert kids name here)?!?!”
“He’s inside… still sick, just like you’ve all been told”
“WHY IS HE SICK?!”
“Well… he’s a person, and people get sick”
“IS HE SICK FROM PLAYING TOO MUCH?!”
“What?!”
“IS HE SICK FROM PLAYING TOO MUCH?!?!”
“I have no idea what that means”
I really want to tell the kid to shut his fucking mouth until he has something at least mildly intelligent to say. I realize however that those are a lot of words he probably does not know the meaning of. Clearly his mother is one of the rare cases of anal pregnancy.
That’s probably offensive… oh well.
Those who can’t do, teach… and those who can’t podcast, criticize the fuck out of them; and that’s what I’m doing here today.
I’ve been listening to podcasts for several years now (4 or 5?), in that time it has become abundantly clear that a lot of shows rely heavily on the “how was your week” recap for the majority of their content. It’s fine when there is an amusing story that comes from it, but I find that it’s usually just a fucking boring To-Do list read aloud.
Do your listeners give a fuck that you went to the fucking grocery store? Do they fucking care what you bought while you were there? If something interesting happened while you were there, talk about that. Tell us about the piece of shit in front of you that’s shopping from the line, don’t tell us about the fucking contents of your shopping cart. If nothing interesting happened during your week, it isn’t necessary to drone through it just to fill up time.
This fucking guy… have you ever been around someone who talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks, and they do it whether you’re listening or not? You don’t even have to express any interest at all in what they’re talking about and they’ll continue talking anyway. You can flat out say “I am not at all interested in hearing about this thing of which you speak” and the person continues to speak anyway. Completely inappropriate shit to boot, in a professional office building speaking loudly about masturbation, porn and rape among other things.
Repeatedly I have recommended that he shut his fucking mouth, he just stands there and continues talking. He’s a fucking helper, or rather a helplesser, as he stands around talking and rubbing his fucking hands together all day. All day long, rubbing his hands together over and over and over. It’s amazing he has any skin left on the fucking things. It’s not as though I haven’t given him anything to do, it’s just that he’s too busy rambling about some inane garbage and rubbing his hands together.
When I suggest more activities for him to… I dunno… help with the task at hand, he stands there staring blankly at me, rubbing his hands together, trying to find some flaw in the job I’ve given him to do. Blank stare combined with random rapid blinking, while rubbing his hands together. I think he’s trying to think of a clever way to say I’m stupid, but he’s not smart enough for that. Instead he continues rambling, now he’s regurgitating something he heard on the Science Channel.
“This is my religion” he says, speaking of the Science Channel
“That’s retarded” I tell him, “It’s just as retarded as Christianity”
“God is protons and light all around us” he says
I ignore him and continue being productive, meanwhile he’s scrubbed yet another layer of skin off of his palms.
WHY ISN’T THERE A PHONE IN CONFERENCE ROOM 400?!?!?!?!?!
I don’t know, you fucking cunt.
Hollywood.
Notes of a Dirty Old Man.
I guess that’s it… I wonder if my sister has my copy of Hollywood.
Posted on: July 15th, 2009 ?!
Whoa! This is still here?
I used to live in a shitty apartment. The thing about shitty apartments is… you don’t have a yard to speak of. Now I live in a town house, the thing about about town houses is, they have yards… if you want to call it that. It can’t be much bigger than 30′ x 30′ if it’s that big.
2 weeks ago “code enforcement” rolled through the neighborhood handing out warnings for people who hadn’t cut their grass yet. They came to my house and informed my wife that we had 48 hours to cut the grass or we’d be penalized. The penalty for not cutting the grass is up to $1,000 and up to 60 days in jail. I don’t know about anyone else, but I think that’s pretty fucking ridiculous. If grass was meant to be cut it would cut itself, wouldn’t it?
So we’re in a fucking panic, we don’t have a goddamned lawnmower yet. The dude across the street will do it for $15, but fuck him, I’m not paying fifteen dollars for some yahoo to come over here and cut the grass for 2 minutes. It’s also interesting that code enforcement came through just 1 week after he put his fucking flier on the door. Luckily my wifes friend can get her hands on a weedeater, and she came over (while I was at work) and chopped through the shit in a couple of minutes, crisis averted.
Of course, that’s not a permanent solution, so we’ve gotta get a lawn cutting solution of our own. That same friend of my wife knows some dude that has an old piece of shit mower that he’ll sell us for thirty bones. It’s nothing fancy, standard 20″ cutting deck, he changed out the spark plug and put some oil in it… I think he painted it too. We got it on Friday and I cut the grass when I got home from work. It took me longer to realize that I had to pump the fucking primer bulb more than I had, that it did for me to cut the grass. Then, since there’s no way to the “backyard” except to go through the house, I had to make a fucking lawnmower sled with a garbage bag and drag the thing through the house and out the sliding door to the patio. Fortunately there’s no grass in the back, so no cutting there.
Fuck you code enforcement, how can you tell me I have to cut MY grass, eh?
Air conditioning, here in the southeast United States it’s kind of a necessity. In the summer (and this year, early spring) it gets humid and hot as a motherfucker (motherfuckers are very humid and hot). This year, however, we’ve already had 90+ degree days. Wouldn’t you know it, we throw the switch on the A/C unit and the fucking piece of shit just hums and buzzes away. Fucking landlord said it worked like a champ before we moved in here last October. Anyway, the fucking thing doesn’t work now so my wife calls the landlord up and tells him as much. She tells him we know a guy that can look at it and tell us what the problem is. He reluctantly says “ok” and we get the dude out here to check it out. As it turns out we need a new dealie outside (compressor or some such shit) 1300 dollars he tells us. The landlord probably shit himself when we threw that number at him, he suggested that we ask for a used one. HVAC dude says he has one, but he doesn’t guarantee that it’ll work, 450 dollars. The landlord gives us the go ahead and he sends the money via Western Union early the following day.
It takes the dudes something like an hour to install it, and it’s pure profit for them, not like they paid for the used one. They probably pulled it out of some house that was getting a nice brand new one. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, I’m not paying for the fucking thing. They leave, and I notice that the fucking furnace/air condtioning thingie in the house is leaking. There’s water coming out of everywhere in the thing. My wife calls the dudes back and they’re like “oh shit, the what have you is broken inside the whatnot, the best thing you can do is turn it on for a little while until you get cool and then let the water go away.” It didn’t seem like a very good plan, and it wasn’t!
They explained that we need a new “coil” and that they’d keep their eyes out for a used one, since it had become clear the landlord is not interested in replacing bad parts with new ones. They called the next day and said they had procured one, and that they would install it for 250 dollars. The landlord said go ahead and pay for it ourselves, and we could deduct it from the rent.
The dudes come out a few days later and install the thing and everything seems alright, no more leaking! Wee-haw! But wait, there’s more!
The thing is cutting on and off just randomly, it won’t stay on. WHAT THE FUCK!?!? It’s annoying the fucking piss-hell out of me, I don’t know if it’s the thermostat or what the fuck. We dealt with that for a little over a week I think and my wife called the dude up and explained the problem. They came out this past Friday and had to replace some circuit board thing (with a used one!) and now it works fine, finally.
What the fuck right? It’s the worlds fault I haven’t said some shit in a while. It’s full of uninteresting fuckfaces, not unlike myself, that aren’t supplying me with the necessary means to ramble on endlessly about shit.
The Adam Carolla podcast, if you haven’t yet… you need to check this shit out. I’ll admit I wasn’t the biggest fan of the dude before he started podcasting. The Man Show and Loveline were alright I guess, not really my kind of shit. The podcast though, fucking hysterical. Bill from Vomitus Prime hipped me to it, and I thank him for that. It’s a daily show (5 days a week) with various famous personages as guests. My favorite guest most recently was Jack from Jack in the Box. We don’t have Jack in the Box in my area, but for some reason we have the commercials… odd.
I’m still playing Warhammer, yes I made it past the initial free period and am now paying for it. It’s a good fun time killing folks and whatnot blah blah blah blah actually like basically (Will).
Blogging for the sake of blogging is fucking stupid. Work has been slow, it’s hot as fuckshit and it’s only fucking April. The fucking air conditioning in this joint is busted, potentially being fixed tomorrow. We’ve been sleeping in the living room, as it’s the coolest room in the house, although not at all that cool (still 80 degrees, fuck you Canadians! figure your own celsius shit out!) The fucking brakes on the car need to be fixed, hopefully we’ll be able to take care of that this weekend. I’m pretty mechanically retarded so hopefully I can figure it out or I can get my father to come and help… since it isn’t safe to drive over to their house.
We have a grill, it was donated to us by our friends Pam and Kory (Kory also gave me a gently used bottle of Crown Royal, thanks! It was delicious!). It’s a pretty burly grill, uses the charcoal which produces a taste in the foods that I prefer over the propane. It is easier, of course, to use a propane grill… I think that shit is better for the environment, though more expensive.
That’s it.
ZOMBIES. Fuck ‘em, and fuck the people that are all fucking zany for them. It’s just like everything else (twitter), all of a sudden there’s this massive surge of popularity in all aspects of media and culture. In a few months no one will give a fuck about the fucking zombie walk you want to have in your town or your fucking zombie themed podcast (very specific!). They DEFINITELY won’t give a fuck about this blog post in a few months.
Fuck twitter too, I’ve said it before, it’s the god damned stupidest fucking thing. No one gives a fuck what you’re doing at ANY particular moment of the day. Why do you find it to be so important to constantly update them? “It’s like an instant message but to everyone at once” (English Dave) Haven’t you ever heard of a fucking mass text mail or a mass email you fucking Englisher?!
Posted on: March 22nd, 2009
Buh. I’ve been planning on doing this for a few days now, but I haven’t really had the motivation to actually do it. Now I find myself with ample time and little to do but listening to the echoing screams of children on bouncy air filled doo-dads, more on that further down.
I guess I’ll start with the most recent shit. I got up this morning in a good mood, as one might normally do on a weekend, nothing pressing to do, just relax with the family… among other things. We have plans to pick up some planters for some herbs and vegetables we’re growing. We also want to pick up some miscellaneous garden tools to straighten up the yard and plant some grass… as there is none at all in our “backyard.” I picked up my phone to call my mother to let her know that we’re coming over to get the shit, and I notice I have a text message from my sister that she sent at 5 o’clock this morning. Generally if you get a call or a text message that early, it’s because something fucked up has happened. Lo and behold this was the case.
Some dickless fuck and his fucking cocksmoking friends apparently (and I haven’t heard a full first hand account of it yet… so this is going on third hand information) beat the shit out of my brother. In the process of which they shattered his jaw and knocked out 8 of his teeth. Why? Well as far I’ve heard my brother and this one dude bumped into each other, had some words and then went their separate ways. Then this guy rounded up some of his friends, tracked down my brother at the bar he was at and then proceeded to pummeling. They then dragged him outside and continued. Where the fuck were the bouncers? Is it not their job to stop shit like this before it gets to broken jaws and missing teeth? Goddamned assholes, what do you get paid for?
Like I said, I don’t have a ton of information about it yet. I know at this moment he’s in surgery getting titanium plates installed in his face and having his jaw wired shut. I can only hope that that spineless fuck that couldn’t man up and let it go, gets his fucking comeuppance.
The other shit I was going to talk about seems pretty fucking unimportant now, but I’ll do it anyway. Content is content, right?
Hmmm … what else….
About 12 days ago I found out that EA/Mythic had finally come out with a 10 day free trial for Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning. A game I had long wanted to play but could not convince a certain someone that I was responsible enough to not play way too much like a fucking dickhead. So, I downloaded the trial, and as I had suspected I really enjoy it. Then I looked into how much the game costs for the full version and found out that Gamestop had dropped the price on it from 50 dorrah to 30 dollars. So I went in to the local store and requested a copy. They just so happened to have the collectors edition of it and were selling it for the same price! Hot damn! I think they were 90 – 100 when the game was first released, so that’s a hell of a savings! Plus if you do the upgrade within the game… they still charge you 50 dollars, buh to that. It’s been a lot of fun so far. I generally hate PvP in video games but Warhammer makes it fun (they call it RvR though).
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Several hours later, we made the trip to my parents house after Monkey Joes… that’s where the screaming was going on. We acquired the necessary gardening/yard maintenance tools from them and came home. I chopped the shit out of the ugly as fuck tree/plant/bush things in the front yard and bagged ‘em up. I also planted some grass seeds in the backyard (one at a time! but not really!)
My brother is out of surgery and spending the night at the hospital, he’s got his jaw wired shut and won’t be eating any solid food for the next month +. I asked him if he felt like Thomas Vanek, he said yes (via text message).
So that’s it for right now. You’re very welcome for this big old wall o’ text. I typed it up on my netbook! Maybe I’ll write up some shit about that soon.
Also, I would have been significantly more fired up about the absinthe with an e thing and WARHAMMER if I had done this post before today.
Fuck the cockholes that jumped my brother, man up you sonsabitches. COMEUPPANCE I TELL YOU.
