Thank you for spending 300 dollars on your 8gb iPod Touch, be sure to upgrade to the new firmware with fancy assed email, stocks, maps and more….. just don’t try using the fucking thing on the Apple Store wi-fi. This past Monday, I had a short job to do at a shitty hipster store at the mall, right next to this shitty hipster store was an Apple store. I had a few minutes to kill before the gay manager showed up to open the door so I could do what I was there to do and get the fuck on to the next job. Anyway, I pulled my iPod Touch out of my pocket and did a quick scan of the available wi-fi “hot spots” in the area, and wouldn’t you know it… there’s the Apple store in the list! Apple device, Apple store… should work right? No problems at all, right? FUCKING WRONG! It wasn’t protected by any kind of ridiculous wifi what have yous. WEPs and encoding… none of it, but I couldn’t get on the shit, at all. Don’t you think it a bit retarded (fucking British podcasts fucking up my goddamned ability to speak like an american) that an Apple device, would not be able to connect to a fucking unprotected Apple Store wi-fi fucking service? Huh?!
I watched Confederate States of America (again) recently, it’s a pretty funny “mockumentary.” The premise is… the south won the civil war, and everyone has slaves, even the north. The image to the right is a tooth paste that is “advertised” within the film. It is an actual product from “real life” that is still available in some countries to this day. “All those microscopic shiners, gleemin’ yo teefus!!!” It’s on comcast on-demand, as we speak. Go ahead and watch it for some good funnies and maybe a little history on this fine country of ours.
So, I’m cruising around Fark this morning as I don’t have a lot to do yet, and I come across an article about a pallbearer falling into a grave. Lo and behold this wonderful name full of awesome appears before my eyes. You poor poor man.
“News 4 spoke with Dick Tips, the owner of the cemetery, but he said he was too busy to meet with us. Tips did speak to News 4 by phone and said he doesn’t believe there was any wrong doing. He said they use a back hoe to dig the graves and can’t image how this one would have been larger than any others.” (from woai.com)
It’s pretty fortunate that I wasn’t drinking anything when I saw this, or this computer that isn’t mine would be covered in liquid… probably from both nose and mouth.
I’ll start this with a bit of an “I’m at work” preface. I’m at work… so this post will be picture free until I get home and edit it!!!!!!
As some of you may know, yesterday was Easter; the super fun-coloring and hiding eggs-sugar coated marshmallow good times festival of the zombie Christ. It’s just another holiday stolen from the heathens, but that’s alright. Jesus is WAY better than any silly pagan nonsense anyway, right? Alas, that is not the topic at hand (specifically)! Today I’d like to point out the obvious. I want to tell you about those people that spend 6 days a week being total fucking bastards, but on Sunday… what do you know!? They’ve donned their Sunday best and they’re on their way to pay their respects to the man in the sky. I guess you feel that dumping 10% in the plate excuses you from being a drug peddling gang banger? Yes? A couple of bucks and you’re square with the lord for being a fucking alcoholic wife beating, child abuser?
While I’m on the subject of excuses born of Yahweh, why is it okay for some motherfucking pederast or some cocksmoking murderer to be excused of his trespasses just because he found Jesus? Do people read the bible? Do they know the atrocities Captain Fiction has taken credit for? I found Jesus myself actually. I found him to be a fucking sham, and a swindler. Why so many millions of people buy into such a load of bunk will forever elude me. It’s a good story, I’ll give it that, but thinking you can do whatever you want 6 days of the week and then expect to get forgiven on Sunday… it’s ridiculous.
I guess what I’m getting at is… if you’re going to claim to be something, be it, all the fucking way. Don’t be a half-assed bastard with no real convictions. Don’t claim to be a Christian just because that’s the socially acceptable thing to do. If you really believe in that shit, act like it. What would Jesus do? If he were real… I don’t think he’d condone peddling drugs and guns. I don’t think he’d condone rape and murder, even if you do go to church on Sunday.
Really though, do you have to associate yourself with such a historically corrupt group to believe the general ideas that they believe? If you take out all the ridiculous mythical action hero stuff, a lot of the basic ideals of Christianity are just common sense. I can’t remember if it was Bill S. Preston Esquire or Ted Theodore Logan (I’m leaning towards Ted though) that said “be excellent to each other.” Now… I’m not saying I do that, but I don’t pretend to believe any ridiculous dogma that preaches it either.
Hmmm… I might have strayed a bit there from my original point, but perhaps not. What spawned this delightful tangent, was seeing a few of the folks that inhabit my apartment complex yesterday. They were all dressed up, looking sharp. They’d probably just returned from the Reverend (Dr.) Creflo Dollar’s dome of Christian terror (yeah, the dudes last name is really Dollar, check him out… he’s a fucking scumbag), every other day of the week though… fuckers.
So, I’m pretty much fully retarded when it comes to anything remotely “constructive” when it comes to the internet. That is, unless you consider hassling people on internet message boards constructive… which it is, in my scholarly opinion. Anyway, to the point, I’ve been trying to add some sort of a fucking media player jobber or something to this goddamned blog. Kind of in preparation for podcasting, kind of to make my non-existent blog readers listen to some music I’ve been listening to throughout the week. In short, if any of you 20-ish unique readers knows shit about how to do this, help me… please.
So, recently I’ve been listening to a lot of songs from my younger days (not that long ago, I’m only 27). Sham 69, Cockney Rejects, Combat 84, Last Resort, The 4-Skins. I put on the self titled record by The Specials today on my ride home from work. I rather enjoy a few weeks of nostalgic skinhead Oi! and ska/reggae before I jump back into funeral doom and black metal. Honestly though I’ve been taking a little bit of a break from the extreme metal for a while now, aside from the occasional listen to Weakling’s Dead As Dreams or some 1349. The point is, back in high school and for a few years after high school I associated myself with and called myself a Skinhead. I still very much agree with the original ideals of the skinhead movement in that I believe you should work for a living. Don’t expect to be handed anything on a silver fucking platter. The hairstyle is good too, I’ve pretty much consistently lived a hair free existence since high school. In case you’re wondering, I’ve never been a racist skinhead. If you look to your left you’ll see the SHARP logo what-have-you. As I got older however, I realized that while I wasn’t racist, I did in fact hate people… but I hate all people. I think the only thing that makes hate unacceptable is when you single out a group of people… at least in the opinion of the general public.
A quick bullet list and then I’m done for the night… I’ve been typing this shit for the past 60 minutes or so… so many fucking distractions.
Did a job at a local mall here and the Nissan I parked next to had a half consumed Heineken sitting in the fucking cup holder in the goddamned drivers seat.
Find “Tell Us The Truth” by Sham 69 and get it. It’s a fucking awesome record… groundbreaking even.
Also listen to Crass. They have a lot of message shit blah blah blah anarchy… the presentation of their message rules. Who gives a fuck what they’re talking about though. BUH.
Alright alright alright. I didn’t update last night because we watched This is England and it ended sort of late. It was quite a good movie indeed. It’s about a young chap by the name of Shaun whose father dies in the military. The movie opens with him being picked on by what looks like a Jewish kid. On his way home he comes across some skinheads sitting in a tunnel. One of them, Woody, makes friends with him and introduces him to all his skinhead mates. Good fun times are had by all and little Shaun shaves his hair, gets some boots, jeans and a Ben Sherman shirt; and he’s well on his way to being one of the lads. Anyway, one of Woody’s old mates gets out of prison and shows up to a party they’re having and the shit hits the fan! I won’t spoil the movie for you, but I will say that at times there is a bit of “negative press” for skinheads. Mostly though it focuses on Combo (that’s Woody’s buddy that got out of the clink), and his personal issues. If you watch the film and don’t know anything about skinheads… most of them are actually like the Woody character, or the fat one. This is not Romper Stomper, which is another really good movie, so there aren’t any brutal, racist brawls of any kind.
On to Death Sentence! It’s got Kevin Bacon in it… that’s really all you need to know, but I’ll tell you more anyway. As you can see to your right… Kevin Bacon covered in scars and a fuckload of guns and bullets on a table. Bad guys do bad things that affect his personal life and he becomes the bad guy and makes those other bad guys pay for it. We watched the “unrated” version… which I imagine means there was a lot more violence and blood and general limb removal by hot lead type of action. I think it was a pretty good movie, there were a lot of touchy feely crying over depressing type music moments… but then Bacon pops caps in motherfuckers asses. Awesome.
“What do you want for dinner?” my wife asked tonight around 5 pm EST. “Pizza!” I said, kind of half joking, but I’ve been wanting a pizza for a couple of days now. So we hit up one of the local pizza joints website (go out!? bah! order over the phone?!?! bullshit!) and noticed that they had recently started creating 20″ pizzas. Of course we ordered that motherfucker up with no delay! Slack ass motherfucker delivery boy gets to the door with the thing and it’s fucking huge! To me 20″ doesn’t sound that big really… but when you see it, wow. The box barely fit through the fucking door. Back to the delivery boy… I open the door and he’s got this big fucking box and I’ve gotta sign since we used ye olde debit card to pay for it. “I don’t have a pen, sorry dude” …. yeah you are fucking sorry kid. He hands me the pizza while I’m fishing around in my pocket for my pen. So now I’ve got this big goddamned pizza in my left hand and I’ve unsheathed the pen with my right hand… the only problem is, I’m left handed. I start shifting the pizza to my right hand while moving the pen to my left and almost drop the fucking thing, meanwhile dickbag delivery guy is just standing there posing like one of these new wave emo hipster fucks. I managed to sign the thing and get the pizza inside, and all was good… including the pizza.
Let’s face it kids, sometimes you’re at work and you’ve gotta take a shit. When I’ve gotta go, I don’t want anyone else to be in there… at least not when I start. If I’m already doing it well, I’m not going to stop if someone comes in. I’ve gotten into the habit of finding the most secluded bathroom in any building I work in. Not that any of you non-existent readers want to know about my lavatory usage, but I would like to know if anyone else does this as well. Do you? I personally hate dropping the deuce in public, but sometimes you’ve just gotta do it. The perfect bathroom for me is at a building complex I work in quite frequently. It’s got 2 buildings, 5 floors and a basement each. The “building 1″ basement has a bathroom which is my absolute favorite in the world (other than my home one of course), no one ever goes in there… ever… well except me of course. I’ve been there hundreds of times over the last 7 years, and I have never once seen another person in there. It’s always clean, always stocked with paper, soap… everything. Now I realize that no one other than my wife actually reads this regularly…. but, if you happen to be a desk jockey type, or you frequent a lot of office buildings; do you do the same thing? Comment! tell me!
The title there hints at two topics! Ah HAH! So now I move on to it:
So! I don’t normally watch “horror” movies, and if I do they’re usually 50’s B-movies or really ridiculous horror comedies (i.e. Shaun of the Dead). Tonight, however, the next three in the Netflix queue arrived and among them was 30Days of Night (my wife put it there, the other 2 movies are This is England and Death Sentence. I’ll probably write some bullshit about those after we watch them). We put our son to bed and it’s time to watch one of them! 30 Days of Night is picked, so I unhook the Wii from the RF modulator and hook up the DVD player. I don’t want to ruin the movie for anyone, so I’ll just say…. “wow, that was pretty good for a horror movie.” The reason I don’t ever watch modern horror movies, is that they rely too much on making things jump out from behind shit. They can’t build the terror with the subject matter alone, there’s always gotta be some fucking thing popping out unexpectedly. This movie doesn’t need any of that shit, the idea of the film holds enough weight of it’s own to be “scary.” I’m not 100% sure about the accuracy of it, I thought that even in the arctic circle there was at least a dusk type daytime thing that happened… but according to the film there is a one month period of night. Anyway, bad dude vampire type things show up in this town and wreak havoc and some folks have to overcome tremendous adversities to survive…. that’s the basic idea. Watch it! Here’s a trailer in case you haven’t seen it:
How often does this happen to you? You walk into your place of employment in the morning and you see a co-worker walking by and you say to them “good morning Stanley, how are you?” they say “fine, how are you?” but they continue walking, like they’re too good to fucking stop and hear your response. You took the time to at least pretend like you gave a fuck about how they’re doing, yet they couldn’t take 10 seconds or less to hear you say “doing well.” If you don’t fucking care, don’t bother to ask, just answer the original question with “fine thanks” and continue on about your business. I’ve noticed people that do this before… but I never really had a blog before to bitch about it in. So, I saw it happen today at a brokerage firm that I work at a lot. Rich fuck broker walks into the office and the receptionist greets him “good morning (captain doucheface), how are you today?” the fucking guy is almost totally past her and starts “just fine… (as he continues walking, almost out of earshot) how are you?” Fuck you, you suit wearing clown. Is it because she’s a receptionist? Maybe you were in a big fucking hurry to get over to your douchey co-workers to talk about what coked up whore you fucked last night and compare notes? Whatever the case may be, if you ask… at least hang around for the response, until then go fuck yourself.
.” The premise is… the south won the civil war, and everyone has slaves, even the north. The image to the right is a tooth paste that is “advertised” within the film. It is an actual product from “real life” that is still available in some countries to this day.
