Posted on: August 31st, 2009 Neighbor Kids
They’re fucking stupid, or dumb… I guess that means they’re “so gay” (those PSA’s are so fucking gay, by the way. Also go listen to Five Tacos and a Taco, you can find them on iTunes).
Allow me to set up a hypothetical situation for you. You’ve got a child of your own, and they’re sick, so they stayed home from school, went to the doctors office and has stayed inside all day. Your neighbors have some kids of their own, 3 of them in fact. These three kids often play with your child, and even sometimes come to the door to ask if he can come out. Today, however, while your child is sick, each and every one of these fucking kids rings your motherfucking door bell to ask if he can come out and play.
They all live together, they’re all standing right there at the fucking door each time a different kid rings the door bell to ask if he can come out. Somehow the god damned message gets through to not a fucking one of them.
I step outside to walk the dog, and I’ll be goatfucked if it isn’t the first fucking thing I hear from the loud (obviously) retarded one.
“WHERE IS (insert kids name here)?!?!”
“He’s inside… still sick, just like you’ve all been told”
“WHY IS HE SICK?!”
“Well… he’s a person, and people get sick”
“IS HE SICK FROM PLAYING TOO MUCH?!”
“What?!”
“IS HE SICK FROM PLAYING TOO MUCH?!?!”
“I have no idea what that means”
I really want to tell the kid to shut his fucking mouth until he has something at least mildly intelligent to say. I realize however that those are a lot of words he probably does not know the meaning of. Clearly his mother is one of the rare cases of anal pregnancy.
That’s probably offensive… oh well.
Those who can’t do, teach… and those who can’t podcast, criticize the fuck out of them; and that’s what I’m doing here today.
I’ve been listening to podcasts for several years now (4 or 5?), in that time it has become abundantly clear that a lot of shows rely heavily on the “how was your week” recap for the majority of their content. It’s fine when there is an amusing story that comes from it, but I find that it’s usually just a fucking boring To-Do list read aloud.
Do your listeners give a fuck that you went to the fucking grocery store? Do they fucking care what you bought while you were there? If something interesting happened while you were there, talk about that. Tell us about the piece of shit in front of you that’s shopping from the line, don’t tell us about the fucking contents of your shopping cart. If nothing interesting happened during your week, it isn’t necessary to drone through it just to fill up time.
This fucking guy… have you ever been around someone who talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks, and they do it whether you’re listening or not? You don’t even have to express any interest at all in what they’re talking about and they’ll continue talking anyway. You can flat out say “I am not at all interested in hearing about this thing of which you speak” and the person continues to speak anyway. Completely inappropriate shit to boot, in a professional office building speaking loudly about masturbation, porn and rape among other things.
Repeatedly I have recommended that he shut his fucking mouth, he just stands there and continues talking. He’s a fucking helper, or rather a helplesser, as he stands around talking and rubbing his fucking hands together all day. All day long, rubbing his hands together over and over and over. It’s amazing he has any skin left on the fucking things. It’s not as though I haven’t given him anything to do, it’s just that he’s too busy rambling about some inane garbage and rubbing his hands together.
When I suggest more activities for him to… I dunno… help with the task at hand, he stands there staring blankly at me, rubbing his hands together, trying to find some flaw in the job I’ve given him to do. Blank stare combined with random rapid blinking, while rubbing his hands together. I think he’s trying to think of a clever way to say I’m stupid, but he’s not smart enough for that. Instead he continues rambling, now he’s regurgitating something he heard on the Science Channel.
“This is my religion” he says, speaking of the Science Channel
“That’s retarded” I tell him, “It’s just as retarded as Christianity”
“God is protons and light all around us” he says
I ignore him and continue being productive, meanwhile he’s scrubbed yet another layer of skin off of his palms.
WHY ISN’T THERE A PHONE IN CONFERENCE ROOM 400?!?!?!?!?!
I don’t know, you fucking cunt.
